Yesterday Mark asked me if I could just go one day without complaining. The answer is simply, "No." This pregnancy has been the easiest health wise, but as the weeks are winding down, I'm definitely loosing steam. And my perspective has CERTAINLY changed.
Week 8, doctor's appointment to verify pregnancy:
Show up to appointment 10 minutes early. Bounce out of the car with pep in my step excitement. Elevator? Who needs the elevator? This is going to be my healthiest pregnancy yet! I'm going to take the 3 flights of stairs. And then when I'm done, I'm going to get a salad. Light ranch, on the side please. Damn, I'm that good.
Wait a while for the doctor to see me. No problem, I'll catch up on these gossip magazines. I'm just so happy!
The weigh in...well, I've gained **cough cough** a few **cough cough** lbs so far. No big deal. Still fitting into my regular pants. Yay! So healthy! Pre-nantal vitamin WHAT!
Schedule my next appointment. Smile, wait patiently and make small chat with receptionist. See you in a month!!
Week 35 and 3 days (who's counting, right?):
Show up to appointment about 10 minutes early. I wonder if I can catch a cat nap in the car? But what if I actually fall asleep and miss my appointment? Grunt. Get out of car. I have to pee anyway.
Waddle to door and notice that my shoe is untied. Dear God, do I bend over and tie it OUTSIDE WHERE EVERYONE CAN SEE ME? So many unexpected things could happen should I bend over to tie my shoe right here. No, I'll tie it inside when I sit down. I won't trip because HAHAHA take the stairs? Are you **bleeping** kidding me! Three flights of stairs will surely put me in labor. So hungry. Need a hamburger.
Wait for a while for the doctor to see me. Shoot red laser beams out my eye balls at the receptionist and nurse. Stupid magazines. SHAPE magazine says I can get my abs back after baby! Yes! I'll plank with the baby on my back and make a PB and J's for my other kids by rotating my arms!
I WEIGH HOW MUCH??!! This can only be remedied with ice cream. STAT. Screw you SHAPE magazine.
Schedule my next appointment for a week from now. Run into the counter with my gigantic stomach. Yes, receptionist, I do look like I might tip over. Thank you for noticing!
I'm not REALLY complaining, I try to find a little humor in everything. AND I get to deliver early! Less than 4 weeks to go!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
What NOT to Say (to a pregnant woman)
Dear Men,
I apologize in advance for singling you out. However, I haven't had any woman offenders when it comes to this topic. Please, take no offense as I take your awkwardness and strange comments and make you sound like idiots.
The following FOUR instances have happened within the last 24 hours.
What NOT to say to a pregnant woman:
1) As you're walking down the street, don't say (as loudly as possible, mind you),
"WOOOOWWW!! Any day now, huh?"
As a matter of fact, kind sir, any day now would be tragic. So you, your dreads, and your coffee can walk away slowly... back up very slowly...
2) If you haven't seen me in a while, your reaction should NOT be:
"WOOOOOWW!! WHAT HAPPENED??"
Clearly, there is a beach ball shoved up my shirt. Yes, it's a boy. Yes, another one. Yes, that makes 3. Yes, I am aware that having 3 boys is going to be a lot of work. Thank you for the reminder.
3) If you are the employer of a pregnant woman, you should NOT say this:
When talking to a contractor, you should NOT introduce me by saying, "Remember Susannah, she's a lot larger than she used to be."
My boss is around 80 years old. He get's half of a pass on this one.
4) And last but not least, while standing in line at the check out counter, do NOT do the following:
Look at my face. Look at my stomach. Look at my face. Look at my stomach. And then exclaim, "uuhhh OMG CONGRATULATIONS!"
Clearly, that was more awkward for you than it was for me.
I hope you all find this information helpful in every day interaction with a pregnant woman. If you feel you need further assistance, well... then there is not as much hope for mankind as I had thought...
Over and out and off to the bathroom to pee!
I apologize in advance for singling you out. However, I haven't had any woman offenders when it comes to this topic. Please, take no offense as I take your awkwardness and strange comments and make you sound like idiots.
The following FOUR instances have happened within the last 24 hours.
What NOT to say to a pregnant woman:
1) As you're walking down the street, don't say (as loudly as possible, mind you),
"WOOOOWWW!! Any day now, huh?"
As a matter of fact, kind sir, any day now would be tragic. So you, your dreads, and your coffee can walk away slowly... back up very slowly...
2) If you haven't seen me in a while, your reaction should NOT be:
"WOOOOOWW!! WHAT HAPPENED??"
Clearly, there is a beach ball shoved up my shirt. Yes, it's a boy. Yes, another one. Yes, that makes 3. Yes, I am aware that having 3 boys is going to be a lot of work. Thank you for the reminder.
3) If you are the employer of a pregnant woman, you should NOT say this:
When talking to a contractor, you should NOT introduce me by saying, "Remember Susannah, she's a lot larger than she used to be."
My boss is around 80 years old. He get's half of a pass on this one.
4) And last but not least, while standing in line at the check out counter, do NOT do the following:
Look at my face. Look at my stomach. Look at my face. Look at my stomach. And then exclaim, "uuhhh OMG CONGRATULATIONS!"
Clearly, that was more awkward for you than it was for me.
I hope you all find this information helpful in every day interaction with a pregnant woman. If you feel you need further assistance, well... then there is not as much hope for mankind as I had thought...
Over and out and off to the bathroom to pee!
Monday, July 28, 2014
Update on It's Already Perfect!
It's been, ya know, well over a year since I last blogged. I don't have a definite answer as to why I fell off the map, but I think I was mostly running out of material and running out of time.
When I first started this whole "blog" thing, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't share too much info on my marriage or too much info other than funny stories about my kids. I thought about what I was writing and how it would affect family members and friends, and I took into consideration how my words could come back to bite me in the butt someday.
So this is my HELLO AGAIN! My name is Susannah and this is my blog! You'll mostly find funny stories about my kids, about my job, and maybe even some complaining about currently feeling like a tank during this third, and FINAL, pregnancy! Keep your eyes open for the next latest and greatest from yours truly!
When I first started this whole "blog" thing, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't share too much info on my marriage or too much info other than funny stories about my kids. I thought about what I was writing and how it would affect family members and friends, and I took into consideration how my words could come back to bite me in the butt someday.
So this is my HELLO AGAIN! My name is Susannah and this is my blog! You'll mostly find funny stories about my kids, about my job, and maybe even some complaining about currently feeling like a tank during this third, and FINAL, pregnancy! Keep your eyes open for the next latest and greatest from yours truly!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)