What NOT to Say (to a pregnant woman)

Dear Men,

I apologize in advance for singling you out.  However, I haven't had any woman offenders when it comes to this topic.  Please, take no offense as I take your awkwardness and strange comments and make you sound like idiots.

The following FOUR instances have happened within the last 24 hours.

What NOT to say to a pregnant woman:

1) As you're walking down the street, don't say (as loudly as possible, mind you),
                     "WOOOOWWW!! Any day now, huh?"

As a matter of fact, kind sir, any day now would be tragic.  So you, your dreads, and your coffee can walk away slowly... back up very slowly...

2) If you haven't seen me in a while, your reaction should NOT be:
                     "WOOOOOWW!!  WHAT HAPPENED??"

Clearly, there is a beach ball shoved up my shirt.  Yes, it's a boy.  Yes, another one.  Yes, that makes 3.  Yes, I am aware that having 3 boys is going to be a lot of work.  Thank you for the reminder.

3) If you are the employer of a pregnant woman, you should NOT say this:
                      When talking to a contractor, you should NOT introduce me by saying, "Remember                                     Susannah, she's a lot larger than she used to be."

My boss is around 80 years old.  He get's half of a pass on this one.

4) And last but not least, while standing in line at the check out counter, do NOT do the following:
                     Look at my face.  Look at my stomach.  Look at my face.  Look at my stomach. And then                            exclaim, "uuhhh OMG CONGRATULATIONS!"

Clearly, that was more awkward for you than it was for me.

I hope you all find this information helpful in every day interaction with a pregnant woman.  If you feel you need further assistance, well... then there is not as much hope for mankind as I had thought...

Over and out and off to the bathroom to pee!