The Poop Bandit

The Poop Bandit

For over a year, the Poop Bandit had been making an appearance in our office bathroom.  Almost every Monday morning and occasionally during the work week "the office girls" would make our way to the back bathroom only to find a smidge of poop on the back end of the toilet seat.  But let me paint this picture for you; we are not talking about some fancy bathroom here. The bathroom that we were using was out dated with yellow and white tiles on the floor, some missing around the toilet. The grout was beyond cleaning, even though the owner had once instructed one of the employees to clean it on his hands and knees with a toothbrush. The sink was old and tiny with crusty faucet handles and the hot water dripped if not turned to the left just so. The sink also doubled as a place where we washed our lunch dishes, seeing as that no other options were available. It also had a bathtub which I longed to bathe in. Just kidding. That shit was nasty.

When the Poop Bandit first started coming around, it was kind of funny.  We’d say to each other “The Poop Bandit struck again!”, or “I took one for the team last time, it’s your turn to clean it!’.  But eventually, the Poop Bandit became a VERY regular occurrence to the point where we had had enough!  

The straw that broke the camel's back was that upon arrival one Monday morning, we discovered that the Bandit had pooped on the bathroom floor and had unknowingly and tracked it through the office with the bottom of his right boot.  Each print was less noticeable than the one before but in total covered about six feet in length. THAT'S IT! We're on strike! Picket signs! We will not work in this environment! Action was taken by the powers that be, and the Bandit was instructed to not, under any circumstances, use the office bathroom! The bathroom was sanitary once again and we were all feeling a little less fearful of sitting on the toilet.

...But then one day the mother of all shit-tastic poops happened.  And, of course, it was on a Monday morning. Having a long drive into work after having been struck in traffic, I hurried to the bathroom and sat down to pee.  But I smelled poop.  Even though the Bandit had been MIA for a while, it was still a necessity to always check the toilet before sitting down, so I knew there wasn’t poop on the seat because I had already done a thorough investigation.  Was I pooping?  No, I wasn’t pooping.  I started to glance around, unsure of what I would find and not really wanting to find anything at all.  And there it was.  Poop stuck in the grout and on the tiles of the floor.  Poop covered paper towels in the trash can.  Poop crumbles in the sink. OH DEAR LORD I AM GOING TO GET ECOLI.  *Breathe, just breathe*, don't throw up. Open the bathroom door- poop on the carpet. I still to this day can’t believe that I didn’t see it or smell it on my way to the bathroom.  I immediately called our cleaning company and explained the situation. It was not an easy phone call to make. They came as soon as possible and after sterilizing EVERYTHING, we thanked them for their service and they left.

The next day we put a lock put on that bathroom door.  The Bandit had made us stronger as a threesome and we were united. Never again would we endure such a harsh work environment. The Bandit is now nothing by a horrifying memory of what once was and the bathroom has since been remodeled to current office standards.

#neverforget