My 3 yr old wants milk!!!!

I think that if 3 yr olds were allowed to swear and they knew what swear words meant, I think that the only thing they would ever say would be a big "F* YOU". Because let's be honest, they spend all of their awake time trying to steal your soul.  Unless its bedtime, then they just really, REALLY need a drink.  

The Kraken went full on Kraken mode a few nights ago.  Like, it was so bad that even Davey Jones was like "Oh hhheeeelll no!"

So the baby has a double ear infection (again).  I have what seems like a negative amount of time to get My Squad home and fed and out the door again to head to the doctor's office.   The Kraken, sensing my weakness, is so, so thirsty because it's probably been 20 minutes since he had a drink.

"Mom, can I have some milk?"

"Can I have some milk?"

"MOM"

"Mom, I REALLY WANT MILK!!!" He screams as loudly as he can.

After shooting laser beams from my eye balls into his skull, I pour him some milk.

"THIS ISNT MILK!  I WANT MILK!!!!"

I reply as calmly as possible, "Dearest sweet child, this is indeed, milk."  (Because that's what I say when a sea beast is trying to take me out at the knees.) 

We're talking full on crocodile tears, stomping his feet, SCREAMING those ear piercing screams that children seem to master as a skill at such an early age.

"NO ITS NOT!  No it's not!  It's NOT milk!  I want milk, this isn't milk!!....... 

(pause for dramatic affect)

ooohhh look, mom!  A bubble!"  And walks away, drinking his "not milk".  

Well that's just f*ing super.

WHO ACTS LIKE THAT?! Mentally unstable asshats, that's who.  And 3 year olds who basically walk around all day saying F*U.

Where's the wine?

Eating Moses

"MOM!  The Moses that you put in my lunch was delicious!"

...is a weird statement because it was Monday and I usually don't start sneaking humans into my babes lunch until Friday, when we're running low on groceries, obvs.  (Soylent Green, anyone?)

"What are you talking about, T?"

"The Moses that you put in my lunch.  I didn't know what it was, but then I saw the carrots and I figured it out."

Aaaah, I see.  Moses = hummus.

Kids (humans, not baby goats) never know what the hell they're talking about or what they want.  Or maybe baby goats don't either, I don't know.  But the point is, their brains aren't fully developed so they are complete idiots and they say and ask for ridiculous things.

So Ronan, I don't know how he manages to sustain the energy it takes to transform into The Kraken.  I don't think he's eaten dinner in at least a week.  He doesn't like anything because apparently he'd rather eat his own boogers than anything I could possibly make.  Hell, he even tried to eat homemade playdough but won't eat a sloppy joe.

I made tacos this past weekend and it had all the goods: sautéed onions with ground turkey, black beans, corn, lettuce, sour cream, cheese.  I legit made an effort to make bombass tacos.  Titan eats eat.  I eat it.  Even the baby eats tacos.  Ronan?  Nope. Won't eat them.  Why?  Because he wants me to put freakin' strawberries in his taco.  Not doing it.  Not a chance.  I made bombass tacos and if you don't want to eat it the way I made it, then forget you.  So he didn't eat tacos OR tacos with strawberries.

I know we often wonder to ourselves, "Why do I even bother?"  We try.  We try so hard and at the end of the day our babes don't even care one bit.  They somehow figure out how to survive on CheezIts and boogers.  Whatever.  Got one more day in the bag.

And the wines gone.  Why is the wine gone? 

The Booger Wall

Today the grossness got to me.  And I have a pretty high tolerance for what REALLY grosses me out.  Blood doesn't bother me.  Poop?  Please, that's child play.  Dog puke?  What am I, an amateur?  

Today what set me off was The Kraken's booger wall.  Yeah, you read that right.  A wall full of boogers.  There is a section of wall, about 2x2, where he likes to carefully place his boogers before bedtime.  It's his canvas, sometimes there's even multiple colors.  Perhaps once he is done devouring souls he will become an artist.  Today I scrubbed the wall clean (again) and then this happened:

Me: "I scrubbed all the boogers off of your wall again.  You're welcome.  Please stop doing that, it's really gross."

The Kraken looked at me and didn't say a word.  He then put a finger in each nostril, dug the best he could, and wiped said fingers on the freshly cleaned booger wall.

Then he smiled, looked at me with those big, brown eyes and said, "Mommy, will you hold my hand while we snuggle?"

Super.  Awesome.  No wonder my kids always seem to have a cold.  For real though, they don't really ever throw up or worse, have it coming out of the other end.  No.  My boys?  They are more so in the "Infectious Disease" category.  All of them had hand, foot, mouth multiple times (even though it's supposedly like the chicken pox and you can only get it ONCE), one of them had ringworm on his scalp, and pink eye, oh Lord the pink eye.  Once when The Kraken was just learning to speak, he ran around saying "My eye got the pink!" (because he had pink eye, duh) over and over again.  I can spot pink eye like a boss.  So they don't puke, but basically I have to contact the CDC (Center for Disease Control) every time one of them gets sick.  And do you want to know why they get sick?

It's because of the booger wall.  It's because they pick their little noses and then want to hold my hand.  Because they are little f*ing angels, that's why.

Now I need wine.

Math Prodigy

I am a 29 year old math prodigy.  Yes, you read that right!  MATH PRODIGY.  Tonight I successfully completed my very first common core math homework assignment.  (I MEAN MY 6 YEAR OLD'S first common core assignment). 

Just an average night of fitting in dinner, homework and bath time for the baby in the first 45 minutes of being home.  You all know how that is, right?  Have to get the baby fed and bathed before bedtime breakdown so... tonight Titan and I had to work on his homework on the bathroom floor while Atlas drank pee water.

The picture below?  Those toothbrushes you see on the floor are not just there because little boys are gross animals, they are part of a thorough explaination of common core math.

At first, Titan showed me a toothpaste cap and said, "Ok mom, pretend this is a group of 10 and then put it next to this cup".  And then I stared at him because I had NO idea what he was talking about.

"Ok, let me try again, mom.  You obviously don't understand what I'm talking about". (Just got politely schooled by a 6 yr old, by the way).  He then proceeded to grab, bend and place toothpaste tubes and toothbrushes and made the number "21", which you can see if you tilt your head to the side.  I still didn't know what the cup and other little tube of toothpaste had to do with it, but I rolled with it.  I didn't want to seem any stupider than I already appeared to be.

"So the 2.  Do you see the 2? That's in the group of tens place.  MOM!  Are you paying attention?".  (Yes, yes, I am making sure the baby, you know, doesn't DROWN from drinking pee water.  PLEASE continue to show me how putting your toothbrushes on the floor are necessary to complete your math home work.)

"Mom, focus.  And the 1?  That's in the ones place".

"So if there was a number in front of the 2, would that be the hundreds place?"

"Yes!  Good job, mom!".  Awesome!  He no longer thinks I'm an idiot!  Yeah! Let's put the number 6 in the ten spot 8 times.  Totally got this! 

However, I was a little unsure if I actually understood the assignment, so I text a picture of the completed homework sheet to my neighbor, who is a super supportive educator, and sent me this awesome picture!

See folks!  I'm not just a pretty face, after all!  I can keep a baby alive in the bathtub AND do common core math at the SAME TIME.  And that right there?  Uummm.  Parenting?  NAILED IT.